Loving Husband
A man had two of the best tickets for the England v Wales final of the Six Nations. As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. “No”, he says, “the seat is empty.” “This is incredible!” said the man, “who in their right […]
Bounced Cheque
Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times. Dear Sir: I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last […]
Love on Mars
The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of […]
Starting a Lecture
This is one of the many devices I use at the beginning of my lectures in China in order to grab the students’ attention. Sometimes I start in Latin, other times with a quotation from my illustrious namesake, Marcus Cato the Elder. On this occasion I started  by asking for all the idiots in the […]
Norfolk Joke 1
Boy Arthur and George were on the way down to the Cricketers public house, one evening, when they saw a young lady, by the side of the road, with a bicycle with a flat tyre. Arthur said to George, “You go on down to the pub and line up the beer and I’ll stay and […]
Cowboy and the Bishop
Speaking of options reminds me of the Bishop and Texan cowboy who found themselves sitting next to each other on a ‘plane journey. After take-off the stewardess asked the cowboy if he would like a drink. He ordered bourbon on the rocks. She then turned to the bishop and asked if he would like the […]
Elephants
A man sitting in the corner of a railway carriage kept tearing pieces out of his  newspaper, screwing them into small balls and then throwing the out of the window. A man sitting opposite became curious and asked him why he was doing it. “It keeps the elephants awayâ€, the man said. “But there aren’t […]
Getting the Wrong End of the Stick
A man came home and found a naked man in the house. His wife said, “it’s all right darling. The man is a nudist who just dropped in to use the telephoneâ€.
Pigs
A man was driving his large Bentley down a winding country lane. As he approached a sharp corner he met a lady in a Mini who was forced to mount the grass verge to avoid the Bentley. She wound down her window and shouted out, “Pig!†The driver of the Bentley was so annoyed that […]
Tents
A man who went to see his doctor. “I’m not well, doctor. There’s something wrong with me. In the mornings I think I’m a wigwam, and in the afternoon I think I’m a marquee”. The doctor examined him and said, “I’m going to give you a sedative. You’re two tents…”