19 September 2009
The Griggs’ and Ensoms came to lunch and we were able to eat in the garden. A rare event for summer….
18 September 2009
I decided to update my patientslikeme.com profile today, having not done so for a month or so. I was interested to note that the ALS Functional Rating Score (FRS), which keeps track of one’s overall condition by measuring symptoms in all parts of the body, grades ‘normal’ in the range between 75 – 25. In September 2007 I scored 48 and now am down to 34. Anything below 25 is classified as severe.
Edward O. came round this evening to check my tax liability. It seems likely that the tax man probably owes me money instead of the other way around as they are suggesting. I have requested a copy of the assessment.
17 September 2009
Back to London today for the City Branch lunch of the Arbitration Club, at Clifford Chance’s office in Canary Wharf -a bit of a drag. I overcame the eating problem by asking for 2 large up-turned basins, each covered with a napkin, on which I rested my right arm and my wine glass. A temporary but inelegant solution.
After lunch I rather stupidly sent off for Brick Lane, where I was hoping to purchase some cheap Indian cotton underpants. A strange quest I agree but the reason is that the cheap lightweight pants are much easier to manipulate, with my weak hands, than the  better quality close-fitting M & S variety. As it happened, having got there in a muck sweat, after two bus rides and long walk, Brick Lane seems to consist almost entirely of Asian restaurants – no retail clothing shops that I could find.
16 September 2009
This evening, my lovely and I went to the Fenwick Elliott Garden Party on the roof of Derry & Toms. in the High Street Kensington.
It really is a very beautiful garden which brought to mind the Hanging Gardens of Babylon which I imagine could have been similar. I was fortunate enough to visit Babylon in 1959 when I was working briefly in Iraq. Of course, the gardens themselves no longer exist but at least I was able to see where they were supposed to have been.
I was extremely fortunate in being able to walk down the recently excavated main street of Babylon, with its relief lions on the high flanking brick walls, where Nebuchadnezzar rode down in triumph, in the 12th century B.C,. having defeated the Assyrians. I was practically alone, as it was long before this became one of the great tourist sites in the world. An awe inspiring experience.
Fenwick Elliott’s, as usual, gave great party with wonderful food but the venue was rather spoilt by a high chilly wind – so much for our Indian Summer! Sadly, this proved to be the first occasion when I found it almost impossible to get the spoon, in my right hand, up to my mouth without assistance from the other hand. Just evidence of a continuing weakening. Unless I can devise some portable adjustable support system I may have to start restricting my public eating appearances.
I have not given up on my feeding frame and have a number of leads which I’m currently pursuing to have it manufactured, marketed and distributed, However, where I originally thought it that this would be portable I have subsequently decided that that is simply not practicable, so I will have to think of something else for the occasional meal out.
Love on Mars
The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.
Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.  “Just how do you guys do it?” asks Maureen.
The Martian responds, “Pretty much the way you do.”
A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He’s got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick. “I don’t think this is going to work,” says Maureen.
“Why?” he asks. “What’s the matter?”
“Well,” she replies, “it’s just not long enough to reach me!”
“No problem,” he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it’s quite impressively long.
“Well,” she says, “that’s quite impressive, but it is still narrow.”
“No problem,” he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
“Wow!” she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Mike asks, “Well, was it any good?”
“I hate to say it,” says Maureen, “but it was wonderful. How about you?”
“It was horrible,” he replies. “All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.”
Starting a Lecture
This is one of the many devices I use at the beginning of my lectures in China in order to grab the students’ attention.
Sometimes I start in Latin, other times with a quotation from my illustrious namesake, Marcus Cato the Elder.
On this occasion I started  by asking for all the idiots in the room to stand up. One brave soul did so. Of course I didn’t expected anyone to do so, so I asked him, “Why did you stand up?”
The student, who obviously was a bit of a wag, if not slightly lacking in good manners, replied: “Well, Sir, I didn’t want you to be the only idiot standing up!”
Norfolk Joke 1
Boy Arthur and George were on the way down to the Cricketers public house, one evening, when they saw a young lady, by the side of the road, with a bicycle with a flat tyre.
Arthur said to George, “You go on down to the pub and line up the beer and I’ll stay and help this young lady mend her puncture”.
Half an hour later George arrived at the pub riding the girl’s bicycle.
“What you doing on that young lady’s bicycle?” said Boy George.
“Well, it were like this ‘er”, said Arthur.
“A’er I mended the tyre, that young lady were so grateful she went behind the haystack, dropped her drawers and said, you can have anything you like. So I took ‘er bicycle”, said Arthur.
“Quite right”, said George. “Her knickers wouldn’t ‘ave fitted you anyway”.
Cowboy and the Bishop
Speaking of options reminds me of the Bishop and Texan cowboy who found themselves sitting next to each other on a ‘plane journey.
After take-off the stewardess asked the cowboy if he would like a drink. He ordered bourbon on the rocks.
She then turned to the bishop and asked if he would like the same.
“Madam”, he said, “I would rather be ravaged by a hoard of wanton women than let alcohol pass my lips.”
The cowboy then leant over the bishop and handed back his whisky. “Me too”, he said, “I didn’t realise there was an option.”
Elephants
A man sitting in the corner of a railway carriage kept tearing pieces out of his  newspaper, screwing them into small balls and then throwing the out of the window.
A man sitting opposite became curious and asked him why he was doing it.
“It keeps the elephants awayâ€, the man said.
“But there aren’t any elephantsâ€, his companion replied.
“Exactly”, said the man, “see how effective it is?”
Getting the Wrong End of the Stick
A man came home and found a naked man in the house. His wife said, “it’s all right darling. The man is a nudist who just dropped in to use the telephoneâ€.
D. Mark Cato
D. Mark Cato