12 October 2009
Gavin from Able2 – such a kind helpful young man – called in today to adjust the articulated arm support which I use when I’m eating. It elevates my hand to my mouth which makes the whole process of eating less stressful. This arm support is, of course, an alternative to my own feeding frame. The difference being that its cost is, I am told, around £800 ( but provided free to me by the NHS) against, what I hope will be a cost of no more than £200 if the feeding frame ever gets into full production. I am pursuing a very interesting line of inquiry at present, in connection with the furtherance of my ideas, but cannot disclose a name until I have something positive to report.
10 October 2009
After consulting the film maker, Monti, I have decided to include his magnificent DVD of the dinner given in my Honour at the Atheneum in September. Apart from anything else it’s a joy of the photographers art. In addition there are four separate slideshows of conversation pieces between every guest but I’ve not included those as they will not be known to most people. Beyond that the DVD it serves two purposes. One it shows my friends, and those interested, the state I am in after two years with MND and includes a number of pictures of my beautiful wife. It comprises mainly the speeches given at the dinner, most of which I hogged and includes most of the early jokes now posted in the ‘Jokes‘ section of this blog. I can hear some people saying it’s not the joke so much as a way you tell them. You don’t have to look at this DVD but it may give some people some amusement.
As it was good of old Richard setting up a video section, it means that I can include other short video clips, in the future, should they be of general interest. This first one, I agree is rather too long.
9 October 2009
A good day. Lunch with one of my oldest friends, 92 year old Geoffrey Hanscomb, at my favourite fish restaurant in London, Skeekey’s. When I say oldest I mean the one I have known longest. GAH gave me my first holiday job, 60 years ago and we have been good friends ever since.
I started with my favourite scallops and crispy bacon on a thin bed of mashed potato. Then, on dear Geoffrey’ insistence, I had lobster thermidor. The chef kindly extracted all the meat and served it as a sort of risotto, which was easy for me to eat with a spoon. I then finished with a creme brulee, the whole lot washed down with a couple of bottles of decent champagne between the pair of us. Spread over three hours there was no obvious signs of intoxication and I’m pleased to say, no ill effects from yesterday tooth extraction – could it perhaps have been the liquid anaesthetic?
I must say the staff at the restaurant were very helpful. When I arrived I went to the disabled loo, leaving a senior member standing on guard outside waiting to assist me to adjust my dress when I finished. (I no longer bolt lavatory doors since I found myself unable to get out recently). When it came to eating, the waiters were happy to fix my wrist supports and provides straws so that I could drink without lifting the glass. Is it really true that drinking champagne through straws, or indeed any wine, makes it more alcoholic?
I say a good day because before walking the length of Charing Cross Road to the other side of Leicester Square Underground Station, both before and after lunch, I went to PC World, near Liverpool Street Station, to look at their scanners – my old HP Scanjet has given up the ghost after around 20 years – changed an electric toothbrush, which I bought recently from Boots and visited the Carphone Warehouse to get my mobile phone topped up in readiness for China. I really felt that I had achieved quite a lot. I even managed to stay awake, on the homeward train journey and get out at the right station where I was picked up by my lovely.
8 October 2009
Horror of horrors, wisdom tooth extraction day. Went to Addenbrookes at lunchtime to have it yanked out. Not a happy experience particularly as they managed to break the tooth and leave a small part of the root behind, which meant a lot of poking, a certain amount of cutting and the loudest drilling that I’ve ever experienced. However, all was well in the end and I suffered little discomfort. I have a good set of gnashers, thank goodness, as they replace my fingers from time to time, so to lose a wisdom tooth is a serious loss.
The relatively new Jokes section of this blog seems to gone down rather well. So much so that I invite any reader to send me their best joke and after I have vetted it in dmarkcato@hotmail.com, provided it is neither racist or sexist, I would consider including it on the blog to share with the other hundreds of readers who log in daily.
7 October 2009
This evening I finished another long Chinese novel – The Brothers by Yu Hua – a strange story apparently shortlisted for the 2008 Man Asian Literary Prize. Described on the dust cover as a highly spirited comedy of society running amok in modern China, which follows two brothers riding the dizzying rollercoaster of life in the new capitalist world. Well worth a read but not the China I have come to know over the last 10 years, but then this is not surprising considering the rarefied academic society in which I am cocooned, when in China.
My loo book was H.E Bates The Jacaranda Tree, which I’ve also finished. A cracking good tale about Brits in Burma fleeing from the oncoming Japanese during the last war.
The Anecdotal Ramblings of an Elderly Arbitrator
A Dinner was held at The Athenaeum in London on 30 July 2009 to celebrate Mark’s contributions to arbitration and to life, organised by John Tackaberry QC. Here is the video of Mark’s “anecdotal ramblings”, with thanks to Monti for the source DVD:
6 October 2009
I braved the wind and rain today for my weekly geriatric golf walk. I managed 16 holes before my legs started giving out but that was around two and a half hours walking, so not too bad. I kept reasonably dry but what does one do about a soggy kilt? It’s also getting a little breezy so I have designed some flannel boxer shorts which I should try to get my Thai tailor to make on my forthcoming visit.
5 October 2009
My geriatric flu jab today but not swine flu. Apparently the vaccine will not be available until the end of this year. I just hope I don’t pick up anything in China or Thailand.
Now my hands are virtually useless, permanently at right angles to my arms unless I am wearing a wrist support, I have worked out how to take my pills by licking the frozen forefinger finger, on my left-hand, and picking them up that way. Things like pieces of chocolate or segments of orange, I nudge onto the back of my left-hand and eat them from there. It’s rather liked the action of taking snuff!
Loving Husband
A man had two of the best tickets for the England v Wales final of the Six Nations. As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
“No”, he says, “the seat is empty.”
“This is incredible!” said the man, “who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the biggest sporting event of the year, and not use it?”
He says, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Six Nations final we haven’t been to together since we got married.”
“Oh… I’m sorry to hear that. That’s terrible. I guess you couldn’t find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?”
The man shakes his head… “No. They’re all at the funeral.”
Bounced Cheque
Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, — when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on I choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further.
When you call me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH!
#1. To make an appointment to see me
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home .
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
# 10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, music noise will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client
(Remember: This was written by a 86 year old woman)
D. Mark Cato
D. Mark Cato